Arcas is an Earth-sized planet that arbits a red giant. It has two moons in its orbit, Nostrapheobe and Koine.

The Arcasian calendar is based on a 1000 year epoch, during which both moons are in perfect alignment between Arcas and its sun. This event is called “dual totality” and is significant to Arcasian culture and ecology.

• There are 42 cycles between each epoch, which is given the name of the presiding Etruvian at the time of the epoch.

• Each cycle is 23.8 years

• Each year has 412 days

• One week is equivalent to 8 days, 6 fasting days and two feasting days.

• There are 30hrs in each day

The date is written in a linear format, starting with the Epoch (In this case Rankushine, represented by an “R”), followed by the cycle, year, and day. Weeks and months are not officially accounted for, although weeks are generally considered gaps between feasting days, which occur every 8 days.

Bonus:

The largest moon, Nostrapheobe, orbits off-axis and becomes a new moon every 163.4 days, or 60 times per cycle.

The smaller moon, Kione, orbits on axis and becomes a new moon every 80 days, or 122 times per cycle.

It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but it seems like as good a time as any to start a new Journal. Yulia said it’d be a good idea, that times like this shouldn’t get lost. She tells me my life is going to change forever soon. I hope she means that in a good way. I mean, Idrica is what it is. But it’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve only ever heard small things about where I really came from. 

Yulia always told me that someday I would meet the person who saved my life. That we were bound together by the Starmakers’ grand design, or something like that. And now I’ve learned that he’s coming here, from Simitu, to meet me. That he’s someone really important. 

Maybe I should start from the beginning. My name is Havelion, and I’m Jhardekai…of course I would already know that since this is my journal. But in case something happens to me and someone else is reading this, there it is. At the time of writing, we are in the 41st cycle of the Rankushine Epoch, year 6, day 263. I am fifteen and live in the city of Idrica, under the care of my benefactor, Yulia. Yulia also happens to be one of the Mystics, and steward of Idrica Seminary. Which means I pretty much live in the seminary…

It’s sometimes awesome, sometimes terrifying. A lot of fascinating people travel through the seminary for their education, so conversations are almost always interesting. But there are areas of the campus that are haunted, for sure. Mostly the ancient zones, where the elder Mystics live.

Even though I live so close to them, I’m still not really into the whole Jhardeho thing. Jhardeho was supposed to serve as a chronicle of human evolution. The word Jhardeho itself means “archive.” But instead, it’s turned into a religion. To me it just means the division of humanity into opposing races, which hasn’t been good for anyone.

Idrica is mostly Jhardekai, which is the second largest race on the planet. Simitu, Arcas’s capital city, is mostly old blood. The old bloods have to use science to keep their genealogies alive, and they don’t like to mix with the Jhardekai. In fact, they’ll do anything they can to keep us out of their precious city. But more on that later.

I spend a lot of time on my general studies, mostly metaphysics. Since I’m Jhardekai, it seems like a good idea to have a scientific understanding of how my abilities work. But also because I’m not entirely sure what those abilities are yet, and I just really want a better idea of what’s possible.

There aren’t very many people my age at the seminary, so there’s not much to do otherwise. If I want to have fun, I wander the streets, or practice jhystema at Drema Academy, which the people here treat like a gym. But it’s actually a training ground for the Drema, an elite group of soldiers who serve as Idrica’s protectors. Jhystema is their combat style, and is famous for its focus on speed, trigger points, and defense. If you know what you’re doing, even someone my size can take out a pretty large opponent, just by knowing where to strike. 

The leader of the Drema, Bhodekai, gives the local kids something to do by opening its doors to everyone. You go to Drema Academy to learn about survival, discipline, and the value of routine in a world that makes it easy to go crazy from boredom. It’s also just a lot of fun, and no one really lingers on where you came from. 

On that note, there are basically two kinds of people in Idrica: natives and refugees from The Purge. Remember when I said Simitu would do anything to keep us out of their city? Well, that was The Purge. The worst of it happened way before my time, but the laws are technically still in effect to this day. Which is how I and so many others got to be here.

You would think that refugees have it harder than natives, but that’s not really the case. Kids in general have it tough here. It’s a place that trains you to be self-sufficient. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, mostly because the people here live a pretty low standard of life. The city’s infrastructure is very old, and parts of it haven’t been updated in over a thousand years. The stone is so durable that you’d barely know it just by looking, but other things are visibly missing. Like a good refuse system. Some areas can get pretty gross.

Apparently a long time ago, the Mystics set up this kind of protectionist deal that keeps the rest of the world out. They wanted to make sure that the more ancient parts of the city are protected and never claimed by any one ruler.

Mystic Jhardeho doesn’t believe in ownership, and kings tend to think they own everything. A lot of important parts of history have been lost that way. The city is still a part of Arcas and has its own representatives. We get some resources, like food and other things that are equally distributed to everyone globally.

But lately, Idrica’s slice of the whole seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Some say that the greed of a few is making it hard for food to come by for the rest of the world. Most blame the Simitu for hogging all the resources. Unlike Idrica, the capital has flourished because of The Long War. The Jhardeho Order has only made the problem worse by failing to acknowledge it. Idrica feels pretty much abandoned, and the people don’t really have a good attitude towards anything having to do with Simitu. I guess that’s why they reject modernity. So far it’s only done them more harm than good. 

That aside, the city’s sanctuary status certainly has its drawbacks. Just like the outside world can’t get in, nothing can really get out. No people, that is.The geography of it doesn’t help. The city is at the opening of a valley. In one direction you’ve got salt flats, in the other you’ve got canyons and mountains and all that. Just on the other side of the valley are the ruins of Zarastra, and no one will be going back there anytime soon. At least not until we have a way to scrape off about a thousand years worth of ice. Idrica is a pretty backwards place, and the* people who have lived here a long time have this kind of toxic “it is what it is” thing going on. No one wants change, or to accept any responsibility for anything. The refugees, on the other hand, are hungry for justice. 

It’s a social dynamic that starts a lot of fist fights, but in the end, the natives and the refugees have no choice but to tolerate one another. Especially since the war has gotten a little closer to home, we’re all fighting over the same scraps, and no one really wins anyway. 

The people here can be interesting, if you can break that stone barrier and get them to talk. You can pretty easily tell natives from refugees apart by their skin. Natives tend to suffer from vitiligo a lot more than refugees. There aren’t many diseases left on Arcas, but Idrica is pretty far behind other places when it comes to the health of its citizens. Another drawback of the city’s “sanctuary” status, I think. The only good doctor in the entire place is in the seminary, and he spends a lot of time elsewhere. 

Anyways, none of that is really very interesting. I’m just a kid with no real experiences to write about, so all I can talk about is the world I live in. Of course I haven’t even gotten into anything outside of Idrica, like greater Arcas, Simitu, and the Long War. But there are better books out there for that. I think for now I’m just filling pages because I’m a little nervous about who this mystery visitor might be, and whatever he might want from me. I guess I’ll learn more soon enough.

So, turns out my mystery visitor is none other than Chartrulean, the Etruvian. I’m still in shock from our meeting, and not quite sure what to make of everything. I definitely still have a lot of questions.

I mean how is this even possible? Chartrulean is about as famous as someone can get on Arcas. The Etruvian. A demigod. In Idrica, the Etruvian are considered to be these untouchable people. Supermen who can talk to the starmakers, and relay their messages to the people of Arcas. The last one who lived here was Artedemis, but he’s since gone off somewhere and disappeared. That just leaves Chartrulean.

I have to stress how big of a deal this is: on this entire planet, there’s only one person like him, and he is the one who saved me from the things that killed my mother. He is the one who had me brought here by smugglers during The Purge.

Before, when I imagined the Etruvian, I always just pictured an old guy sitting on a mountain, talking to people and stuff. That’s apparently what Artedemis was like. But it turns out Chartrulean’s a lot different. Not super young, but not old, and he looks relatively normal.

Chartrulean is especially notorious because he was brought up by Simitu’s Jhardeho Order. The same people who ordered the systematic slaughter of the Jhardekai, and caused The Purge. It’s the reason Idrica is called “the Orphan City,” since there are so many of us here…not that this place has done much to help us.

From what I understand, his standing with the people of Idrica used to be a little shaky because of his association with The Order. But ever since he got into a lot of trouble with them and was basically kicked out, he’s pretty much legendary here. Somehow no one blames him for what happened to us, but I’d still like to hear his side of things.

As for our meeting, going into it I was predetermined not to like him. But he immediately threw me off my guard. He just walked up and said it was time to come home. To Simitu. He was very serious when he said it, and I noticed he has this really turbulent aura.

Not helped along by the fact that he was wearing all black. He came on a feasting day, but didn’t eat anything that was offered. He just told me pretty bluntly that if I came with him, I could help him change the world. Make it a good place again for people like me–Jhardekai. But first I would have to help him save it.

I have a few days left to answer while he stays here in the seminary. I’m still not sure what to believe. If this person can be trusted. Does being Etruvian exonerate him from being a product -of the things I hate? Somehow I can’t help but throw some faith behind him. Yulia has, and that’s a good sign.

She told me later that he attended the seminary when he was just a little older than I am now. She also said that he was a horrible student despite being an academic prodigy. Apparently he got into a lot of trouble. I guess that makes me like him a little better.

He seems like someone who can do great things. I just don’t know what use I could possibly be to him. I’m definitely going to take my time to think about it.

Last night I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to go for a walk and think through everything that’s happened. Usually I steer clear of the older parts of the campus, but I guess I needed to feel something different. So I walked to the agora, where the prayer domes are.

There’s a room there near the Mystic dormitories that people call the whisper chamber. It’s a stone room that’s perfectly round, and there’s a channel carved into the entire circumference of it. How it works is that you kneel down and whisper your question into the channel.

Then you just wait for a response. There’s a partition on the other side of the room, and you’re not allowed to go over there. I guess it’s because you’re not supposed to know what's answering. Funny thing is that there’s technically nothing stopping anyone…it’s just that anyone who goes near that part of the chamber gets hit with the sudden urge to leave. At least that’s how the legend goes.

Popular rumor has it that there are some Jhardeka Mystics there who are so old they’re barely even human anymore. They never move, never eat, never sleep, and are never, ever, seen. They just spend all their time in meditation, and their bodies run only on Jhardeho energy. Others say that there are ghosts in there, and others say that it’s just someone pulling pranks.

Even as I walked up the stone stairs to the middle of the chamber, I doubted if there was anything to it. But it was still a little scary. Like, who would be there this late at night if not ghosts? People often report hearing whispers in the older parts of the seminary, so it’s really nothing unheard of. There are even a few instances of strange music not being traceable to a source, though it’s probably just the wind.

Yulia has all but admitted that the whisper chamber is legitimate, but won’t say what’s behind that partition. She also doesn’t seem to think it’s anything to mess around with. Until tonight, no one’s had to tell me that twice. But I was desperate to know if I should go back to Simitu with Chartrulean, and that’s just where I found myself.

So, I walked over to the wall and got down on my knees. It was a little awkward, and I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just said my name, and asked if I should help Chartrulean. After a moment of silence I was just going to get up and leave, then something really, really weird happened.

I was hit with these strange voices from both sides. They were speaking in the old tongue. Whatever they were saying, they were just saying it over and over, and it felt like their words were grinding their way all the way through my skull.

The pressure was so intense that I was going to pass out, so I tried to get up, but couldn’t move. Then suddenly, Chartrulean was there and pulled me out of the room in a hurry. He seemed pretty panicked.

Once I collected myself, I asked him what they were saying. His answer was chilling. “He who will become an instrument of chaos has come to pay penance.” Then he said that whatever they were doing could have killed me if I had stayed too long. That there are forces at work that will try to stop him no matter the cost, and that the fact that the whisper room tried to harm me only confirms that our paths were destined to intersect.

He said “If you come with me, you will be standing up against everyone and everything. Our leaders, our oppressors, our very nature. We will disrupt what’s constant simply by facing the unknown.

We will be building a new future for Arcas, breaking the Grand Design and starting along a new path. Everyone will try to stop us. Even the starmakers will try to course correct. This is what you must accept if you are to come with me.”

I asked him how he knows that, and he said it’s because he’s seen the future. That he took what the starmakers showed him, then disregarded it. He instead used his time in the seminary to study our collective past, and decided to do something different. I guess that’s what got him into trouble.

But he didn’t seem interested in talking about that so I asked him what was behind the partition in the whisper chamber because admittedly I was a little stuck on it. I mean, who wouldn’t be? He wouldn’t tell me either, but he did say he’d teach me the old tongue.

After that I just walked with him to the hanging gardens, and then the prayer chambers. He seemed a little nostalgic about the seminary. We talked for hours, mostly about his time in Idrica as a kid. I realized then that he’s just a person. A weird one, and not someone I think I’ll get along with very well, but I got the sense that he just needs someone to be on his side. That whatever he’s been through has been an uphill battle. And I believe him when he says that what he’s planning is for good.

I may just be a kid, but I’m tired of this world doing everything it can to stay the same. Chartrulean wants to change it, which starts with defeating the Rau and ending the war. And I’ve decided that I want to help him do that.

I guess I’m going to be a pilot. Not quite sure what to think of that. But after talking to Chartrulean more, that’s where all signs are pointing. He wants to make a special force of elite soldiers who use technologies that amplify our natural abilities. It all sounds very experimental, but way too cool of an opportunity to pass up.

It’s taken about a fortnight so far, but we’ve scored six good candidates, including me. Chartrulean’s criteria of what he was looking for made it take a little more time, and also made me wonder why he was so adamant that I be one of them. Volunteers have to be strong, and exhibit exceptional abilities. I’m pretty small and my ergokinesis ability is pretty underdeveloped. Chartrulean says that I have great potential and that he’s known that since the day he met me, whatever that means. I guess I’ll go with it for now.

Volunteers also have to be willing to relocate to Simitu and live in secret under the protection of the Royal Armed Forces. And they have to be up to the task of doing something physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing….and potentially dangerous.

I can see now why things ended up for Chartrulean the way they did. For one, technology like the kind he’s describing is forbidden. Second, and more importantly, the Jhardekai are supposed to be the pariah race. We’re the ones who have been blamed for every catastrophe throughout all of history. On the surface, it’s a total recipe for disaster, and it’s been hard finding other people crazy enough to go with us. But there are a lot of people out there desperate to get out of this place, even if it means going somewhere they’d be considered a fugitive.

Anyway, Chartrulean enlisted the help of Bhodekai to find some candidates. I mean we’re talking about elite soldiers here, so Drema Academy is a logical first place to look. And we did find a few people.

The fiRst candidate to come forward was Abruc. He had formerly trained to be a guardian at Kazalu before running away and taking refuge in Idrica. Anyone who has seen Kazalu would know why. They really get into some freaky stuff. Anyways, that’s another story.

Abruc’s Jhardekai ability was pretty well developed since Kazalu trained him to use it to extract information from people. Some kind of mind-reading thing. He’s definitely the scariest one, in my opinion, but he has a really good temperament so there’s that.”

The next two to come forward were Corbin and Quay (Kay), who for the most part just seemed ready to get out of Idrica. They seem like your basic grunt type, not super friendly but pretty good at jhystema. I watched them spar together, and their reflexes are lightning fast. And they seem to have mastered using their abilities to fortify their bodies. They seem nice enough, and Corbin is really funny. Quay is a bit of a…well, we’ll get along eventually.

Sunyata was a total surprise. She’s an Idrica native who came forward with a lot of enthusiasm but not much of a fighter. She has a pretty cool ability, too, that’s a little hard to explain. Hers is a bit more spatial. If you’re stuck in a maze with only one way out, she’ll find it. She can run multiple scenarios at once and calculate probabilities really fast. Including enemy weaknesses.

Ditran was the last to come from Drema Academy. He seemed to me to be a bit of a runt at first, but Bhodekai was pretty insistent on taking him if we were taking Sunyata. Turns out his ability is generating a defensive energy shield. And he’s also super fast, way faster than Corbin and Quay. He’s known for taking out much larger opponents by deflecting their attacks then using Sunyata’s guidance to make strategic and highly effective maneuvers. When those two work together, they can slip through just about any sticky situation.

We still have a few more days to look before Chartrulean wants to depart for Simitu. He hopes to find a few more.

Chartrulean found a girl named Nicola (Nee-ko-lah). She lost her vision due to some kind of degenerative illness, and was sitting near one of the city’s old fountains. Apparently when Chartrulean passed by, she knew who he was and called out to him. I guess her loss of sight amplified some kind of ability to see peoples’ auras, and other things that aren’t really there.

Chartrulean has her in the seminary now and their doctor is trying to see what he can do for her eyes. He says she’s willing to come with us but I’m not sure what use he sees in her as she is. I mean, a pilot has to see, right? I guess we’ll find out in a few days if she’s up for the journey.

Not much luck finding anyone else, though. We met a few more candidates, but so far no one is standing out. I’ve resorted to sleuthing around on my own. We’ve covered a lot of ground at drema academy, but we haven’t really looked within the seminary. Since Nicola, Chartrulean seems to be open to relaxing his requirements, which could be good or bad.

I definitely don’t want to bring in the wrong people just because I think he’ll allow it, but I do think that we can train them if they are remotely close to what we’re looking for. I mean out of the gate only half of us are really soldier material as it is, so we’ll all be learning at a similar pace anyways.

There aren’t too many people my age that I’d recommend on sight. I’m just going to start talking to everyone I come across to see if there’s anyone lurking around with developed abilities who might just be too shy to speak up. I imagine the kinds of abilities we’d find here are more of the intellectual type, but that has to count for something. Yulia has been trying really hard not to get involved, which is frustrating, but I guess that’s just that old world mentality at work. If you don’t move the pieces in the first place, you can’t lose the game.

I can’t wait to get out of here….

Chartrulean has been spending a lot of time with Nicola, watching her recovery very closely. I finally got to meet her and have to say I underestimated the situation. She’s very spirited, and the doctor says he can fix her eyes. Of everyone we’ve found so far, she’s far and away my favorite. Her and Abruc. They seem to be really good-natured and have had the hardest times of all.

So I guess that makes seven of us. Chartrulean’s saying that once she’s recovered a bit from the procedure, we’ll travel back to Simitu.

I’m not sure if he is more interested in Nicola or the doctor, though. That doctor is a weird one, almost as weird as Chartrulean but in a different way. I can’t understand what they’re talking about most of the time, but it sounds like the doctor is also a bit of a treasure hunter. Always out trying to find old tech for the seminary. Though I’m not sure if it’s to study it, or hide it. They keep talking about something called “assimilation”, which as I understand it is a super fringe and highly forbidden thing now.

Anyways, as interesting as that is, I’ve had my ear to the ground in other places. I’ve felt a little odd, eavesdropping on conversations, and even following people around a little bit from a distance.

I got called out pretty quickly by this kid named Famke (Fahm-kuh). I didn’t think I was being that obvious, but once he figured out what I was up to I couldn’t really shake him. Suddenly he wanted to be my side-kick. He claimed to have some aura sensitivity, like Nicola. Only in his case, he had studied and gauged the ability of just about everyone in the seminary. He told me that he would tell me everything he knew, on the condition that he could come with us to Simitu.

Naturally I assumed he was bluffing, and I certainly wasn’t going to waste Chartrulean’s time with him. So I said no. But then, for days after that, no matter where I was, Famke found me.

He’d tease me with details about students. So-and-so could extract information on an object just by touching it; so-and-so could manipulate other people’s dreams; so-and-so could detect if someone was lying. But he wouldn’t point them out to me, only tease their abilities. It was incredibly exhausting. I’ve been doing everything I can to avoid him but nothing has worked.

Then just tonight, I was talking to Chartrulean in the infirmary. We were going over the different types of people we had found and their respective abilities, and I kind of told him what I was up to. We wanted to figure out if there were any obvious holes we were missing that needed filling. It was actually the doctor who suggested we try to find someone empathic. I hate to say it, but I actually think Famke might be able to help me find someone, if he isn’t that person himself.

Today Nicola got her surgery, which means we’re running out of time to find more people. Chartrulean’s been spending all his time either with the doctor, or in the library. I’ve never seen someone read books so fast. Like two big ones a day with time to spare. But when he’s doing that, he can’t really be bothered.

When I found him today though, he was holding a book, but his eyes were not on the pages. They were scanning the room. He was up to something. He had a tall pile of books neatly stacked on the table. What he said next completely baffled me. He had identified graffiti on the 276’th page of every of every volume. The symbol was always the same, the symbol of mother’s protection–a heart in a diamond. When I asked him how many books he’d gone through to figure this out, he wouldn’t answer.

The books themselves have nothing in common except that they were part of the standard curriculum of a level seven student. The ritual suggested, according to him, a behavior commonly attributed to people who were close to the spiritual world. So we’d be looking for someone….a little on the dark side. He said he wants me to find this student in a day and convince them to come with us. No clue how or why he’s so adamant about this one, or if this is even a current student.

Leave it to Famke to be missing on the day that I actually need him. I looked everywhere for the kid to ask him who it might be. Luckily though, Chartrulean seemed to be a step ahead in his little game. He showed me a book, and said that if this student was following the curriculum like he expected, that particular book would be the next one on their list. So I put it back on the shelf, sat a ways away, and just camped out, hoping someone would come and get it.

I was probably there for hours and it was starting to get really dark. Everyone else basically left, and then I saw a light moving through the stacks and heard talking. It was a girl, and she was talking to herself. Sure enough, she went right up to the book and took it off the shelf. I guess all the anticipation got the better of me and I yelled “HEY” without thinking. The girl took one look at me and was off like a flash. And she dropped the book. I grabbed it and tried to go after her, but she was nowhere to be found.

I don’t know how to tell Chartrulean that I blew it. I’ll try again tomorrow, but I’m not keeping my hopes up. This girl, however interesting, seems to have a lot going on, and I don’t know if going to Simitu is going to be in the cards. Maybe I’ll at least find Famke.

Well I found Famke tonight. I can’t tell if I really like the kid, or if I wanna kill him. Turns out he was avoiding me on purpose and waiting until I got desperate. Well, it worked. I’ll have to worry about telling Chartrulean that he’s tagging along later, my priority is finding the girl. Famke claims he knows who she might be. Says she’s not a formal student, but a resident auditing the seventh years. She apparently works in deliveries, and stays in the lower floors of the seminary with the staff. I’ll take her the book tomorrow.

Sorry these are getting so short, I’m really tired nowadays. The whole ordeal has been super exhausting. Not sure who that apology is directed toward, but whatever.

So that didn’t go over well. Famke was right, I learned her name is Homena. I was able to find her making deliveries about the campus. But at the sight of me, she was quick to demonstrate that she was a head taller and quite a bit stronger. She pushed me down and accused me of scaring her on purpose, of harassing her. I tried to get a word in but it didn’t work. That girl is a wild one. Almost completely feral. She has a long face and this really crazy light-colored hair that you don’t see much of anymore. She might as well be a ghost herself. In a weird way my heart goes out to her, and I want to help her somehow. Sometimes you just have a feeling about people…which is why I left a little something for her in the binding of page 276.

Luckily, after spitting on me, she took the book. Let’s just hope that she gets the note. It’d rather tell Chartrulean that I got her AND Famke on board than just Famke. I mean I’ll vouch for the kid…but I’d rather this not be the thing to test Chartrulean’s temperament. He’s been getting a little impatient as the days wear on, egging on the doctor about Nicola’s ability to travel even though she just got new eyes and is still recovering. Apparently Chartrulean wants the doctor to come too, but they seem to match one another in stubbornness. On top of that, I think Chartrulean is a little…wishy? I don’t know if that’s a word, but it seems like you can explain to him a hundred times why something can’t happen, and he just doesn’t back down once he gets an idea going in his head. Even if it’s wrong.

I think the doctor caught wind of my concerns, and he said something weird. There was a small red plant sitting there and he pointed at it. “Do you know why this sempervive has these long barbs?” he asked. I said I didn’t know. “Because it has something delicate inside that it needs to protect.” I don’t know if that’s supposed to be a warning or some kind of reassurance, but either way I’m starting to get the sense that this is going to be a bumpy ride.

The last couple of days have been really busy, so I haven’t written. Suddenly Chartrulean was ready to go a day early, and things got a bit chaotic. First he had an argument with Yulia, then he was on a warpath to get out of the city. We had to collect everyone in a hurry–it felt a little bit like a kidnapping. Also, Homena showed up at the last moment. She didn’t want to talk to me, naturally, but she found Chartrulean. Famke, however, found me, and that was an awkward situation. Chartrulean barely even looked at him, just asked me if I vouched for him, and I said yes. The look I got, though, was severe. I think he could tell that I wasn’t very confident in what I was telling him, and he just kind of walked away. I guess the conversation ended there, and suddenly we were nine.

Then we were loaded into a ship, and came here. The flight was rough. It’s really bumpy going over the mountains, and it’s not exactly a short ride. And it was incredibly cold. When we got here to Simitu, it was dark. I couldn’t really see much, it all happened so fast. We were shuffled off to our dormitories by a really nice woman named Borsha and were given a meal, even though it wasn’t a feasting day. I didn’t see Chartrulean at all after we landed. It feels a little lonely. This place, at least what I’ve seen of it so far, isn’t like Idrica at all. It looked like some sort of military complex. Everything is very modern and clean, but there’s salt absolutely everywhere. I knew Simitu was in a salt flat, but I had assumed the wall keeps most of it out. I’m pretty excited to see the Blighted Valley in the daylight.

We’ve been here a few days now. There are good things about it, and there are definitely some bad. We are living in Astreus Labs, which is in the base of this great big elevator that goes all the way up to a spaceport in the stratosphere. The elevator is far and away my favorite thing so far, and I can’t wait to see the spaceport. And the valley is incredible. On our first day, Borsha led us around, and took us out to see the wall. The wall runs all the way around Simittu. The compound reaches the edge of the city. It was neat standing there, looking out over the flats. It’s really windy out there, and the sky is huge. Then when you turn around you see the elevator. You can try as you might to see the top, but it just fades out the farther up it goes. At night you can see it all lit up, apparently, but so far we haven’t been allowed out after hours.

About that. We met Admiral Lapadine, who is in charge of everything that happens at the compound. I was a little surprised to learn that he was so important of a person. He’s very friendly, and has this really gentle disposition. He has a big presence, though, and I wouldn’t want to make him mad. But he told us that we really need to be careful, and that they were going to guard us and restrict our activities around the compound. That hasn’t stopped some of the others, though. Corbin and Quay especially have been quick to break the rules, and even know the sentinel routines so they can sneak around undetected.

Since coming here, Chartrulean has been a different person. I guess he’s got his hands full, but I was hoping to get more on-on-one time with him. So far, that hasn’t been the case. We’re learning that things here haven’t been going very well. There’s not a lot of staff, and everyone acts like they’re walking on glass. We’ve spent most of our time so far hooked up to various things, then being asked about our abilities.

We don’t really know what to expect from all this. Many of the others have their doubts that it can lead to something that’s good for any of us. But I think we’re just getting started.

We finally got to see what all this was about, and what Chartrulean had made that was so controversial. The azurea. I have to admit it’s pretty remarkable. Just rows, and rows of different types of reactors doing different things. The reactors are lined with a thick layer of salt. It was explained to me a bit more scientifically, but the salts are a special kind called azurium lunestra, which is charged using a small amount of Jhardeho energy to get it started. The charge alters the compound of the salts, making them denser.

You can see the molecules changing under a microscope and everything, it’s really cool. Then the tanks capture these little cosmic particles, which can’t escape through the salt layer so they bounce around, creating energy. The more particles that are captured, the more concentrated the energy. It sounds way too simple to be important. In fact, this is similar to how the prayer domes work at any of the temples.

There are apparently three observed phases of mutation. The first being light, the second being energy, the third being plasma. At least those are the known phases. The difference is concentration and containment. When the energy becomes super concentrated, it changes state from a gas to a plasma. At that point it can turn into weapons, etc.

Each reactor only needs a few particles to be really really powerful, but can catch thousands every second. And apparently these particles exist literally everywhere. The pumps that do the charging are the real secret sauce behind Chartrulean’s work, though. An engineer tried to explain the math to me, but seemed to be somewhat at a loss for how it worked in practice. He said it was like pulling energy from another dimension. Talk about crazy. I think what he’s really saying though it's that Chartrulean found a way to do what our azurea epicenters do. I mean, we get energy from somewhere to do what we do. Now machines can too.

Even more crazy is that the engineer told us that there have been lots of anomalies around the compound. Random particle state changes, and random rises and dips in energy. Sometimes the energy reaches concentration levels that are actually too dangerous, and they have to be emptied. There are tall pipes in all the reactor rooms that neutralize and release the energy into the sky when it gets to be too much. I saw it once, and it’s pretty neat. Just a big blue shaft of light going into the sky, but you can see it best at night. Apparently they learned the hard way that it all can’t be contained, and a lot of people got hurt. No one wants to talk about it, though.

There are some other curious things, like genetic mutations in some of the plants around the compound. The azurea doesn’t have to touch anything to make a difference in its surroundings, kind of like how the areas around the temples are the lushest places on the planet.

Even more curious was the azurea’s reaction to us Jhardekai. If we take a handful of azurium salts in a vase of charged water and dip our hands into it, the salts form these strange crystalline structures. The structures are different for each of us, kind of like a signature.

This is why Chartrulean wanted us. The Jhardekai are special. I guess we'll find out soon where all this leads.

Things picked up speed really fast. Tru’s been on fire lately. Sorry about the abbreviation, it just gets to be a long name to write out every time.

What he has been working on is building a neural bridge between us and a computer. The computer can somehow do predictive work, and apparently we’ll eventually be able to perform tasks just by thinking about them. We’ve done tests in the lab with some simple mechanical things, and it really does work. I’m not sure how he’s done it, but the system really feels like another arm. Each of us has started a “bonding” process that is apparently going to take a while to establish. But I’m pretty excited about it.

The computers will go into the ships we’re going to pilot. But that’s not even the cool part. The ships are powered by azurea. Engines, guns, everything. When they become combined with the azurea that’s naturally inside of us, we can really control how powerful these things can be, and what they can do. A lot of that has to do with the neural bridge, and our individual abilities. In fact, he’s building our ships custom, based on our strengths.

But honestly, I’m finding it hard to imagine controlling a bunch of different interfaces at once. I guess the computer is there to help with all that, but it sounds a bit like learning to walk all over again. I don’t think I’m doing so bad in the sims, but I’m still not entirely sure what my strengths are.

Some of the others are having a harder go at it than others. Predictably, Famke is lagging behind a bit. Homena and Nicola are probably doing the best. But it’s weird. Tru is harder on the ones who are picking up the technology the easiest. Pushing us to make greater achievements in shorter and shorter amounts of time, and getting really angry when we fail.

Everyone seems pretty bent on keeping a straight face whenever we start to detect that he might go off. I guess that’s one thing about being brought up in Idrica. You just don’t cry. If you cry, you are weak, and the weak don’t survive. So, the others have been keeping to their rooms more. It’s not good. We have to learn how to work through these things together if we’re going to come out of this alive.

One interesting thing about being here has been learning about Simitu from the staff. Sometimes we have a lot of idle time, which I spend asking the techs questions. I’ve always had my opinions about this place because of my past, but it’s much different when you’re in it. There are apparently some pretty screwed up politics going on, mostly surrounding the war. I never thought this would be a thing, but apparently there are a lot of people who don’t want it to end. And it’s for the most disgusting reason imaginable. People have gotten really, really rich off of it. This place had problems before, but now it REALLY has problems. Anyone in this city who has the misfortune of being poor is extremely poor, and the Jhardeho Order has seized on that opportunity to turn people against the king.

Ever since House Starbringer broke with The Order, it’s gotten a lot worse, and the king has been keeping his family in a secret location outside of his city for safety. Here we are supposed to be worried about the Rau, but this dynamic seems a lot worse. I mean we’ve been fighting the Rau for so long that it’s hardly news anymore. Some people have started to question whether they even exist.

I don’t understand how people can just deny things that are so obvious. Even Jhardeho is something completely different here. In Idrica, Jhardeho is a way of life. But here in Simitu, it’s something that instills this weird intrinsic fear in people. They’re more worried about themselves than anything. But it’s not everybody. There are other people who don’t want to look Jhardeho in the eye at all. Like they somehow know better than everyone who has come before, and just write off things that I’ve grown up with as truths as some kind of childish folklore. I get that some of it is really weird, but it’s our past, and hopefully our future. And Jhardeho is also a people. No one can deny that WE exist.

I wonder if the Rau have Jhardeho? I’ve read that they aren’t very different from us. That they used to have a home world like Arcas, but left it behind. I mean all people talk about in Idrica is this “grand design.” Who are we to assume that they aren’t part of some grand design too? That these starmakers who made everything would somehow leave them out? I find them more interesting than anything, but that seems like an unpopular approach. Even with Tru. He has all but said that he would have no remorse if they were all to die. Granted some of that is based on some degree of foresight into what they could do to us, but the conversation seems to be off limits. To him, they are a task.

On that topic, we’ve had some interesting conversations lately. I’ve figured out that you can’t really get him to talk about himself, but he will talk a lot about his work. A lot. If I had to guess, most people are too afraid of him to show any kind of interest in what he actually thinks about stuff, but he’s got a lot to say, and it’s the easiest way to talk to him. Mostly forward-looking stuff, and that’s where we find a lot of common ground. He doesn’t focus on things that are small, or immediate. His mind is always a few steps–generations, even–ahead. It’s almost like he absolutely doesn’t care what happens right now. How he feels, how we feel, if we live, if we die, none of it. It’s all a means to some far-future end, which is why I guess he is the way he is.

What I can’t understand is why, then, bother with any of this? Is the Azurea that important that he'd willingly risk so much? I guess if Lapadine has put enough faith in him to help him build this stuff, I can too.

He kept us in the simulations for sixteen hours. It was bad. Really bad. I was convinced that today, of all days, someone would crack. Not one of us did, not even Famke, who looked like he might pass out at the end of it and had to be carried to the infirmary. I don’t know if I’m proud of us for enduring, or worried that no one is standing up to this kind of overextension. There are only thirty hours in the day, he can’t possibly expect this of us. The simulations are really stressful, with all kinds of equipment hooked up to us, and to go that long without a break is that much worse. Quay was chaffed raw and bleeding because he’s too big for his harness. If this continues, I’m going to say something.

Okay so I told myself that I wouldn’t write about her. But something happened with Homena, and I think it’s a really big deal. After another pretty bad day, Chartrulean said some things to her that had her really upset. I’ve been trying and trying to tell her that she can talk to me, but she keeps her distance. I mean she’s always been standoffish with everyone, not really one to dive in and make friends. That’s not really anything new.

But she knocked on my door last night and said she was tired of crying alone. She never told me what he said to her to get her so upset. She just wanted company, not necessarily conversation.

I used to think she was just weird, but now I see that this girl is really special. I hope that her coming to me for help means that it’ll keep happening, and that I’ll get to know her better.

Today Nicola somehow broke her sim, and Tru took it out on the engineers. He was yelling and throwing things, and probably did a bit of damage if I’m being honest. It was terrible to watch, and I couldn’t just stand by. So, I kind of did a thing. I walked out, and all the other paladins did too. I don’t think Tru was expecting that, and I wasn’t expecting anyone else to follow my lead. He didn’t say anything, just watched us go silently, as if he didn’t have the power to stop us. I feel especially bad for NIcola, she blames herself for the whole ordeal. She’s too sweet for her own good. The others and I finally had a little powwow, though, and came up with a list of concerns and demands. I’m taking them to Admiral Lapadine tomorrow.

Well, I guess that went better than expected. Lapadine seemed to be really receptive to our demands, and is going to talk to Tru. He seemed impressed that we would come to him with an organized solution. Truth be told, I'm pretty proud of that too. Yulia taught me how to negotiate when I started going to the marketplaces on my own, and part of her method is doing due diligence.

Borsha, the facilities manager, has also done a lot to make our lives here a little more comfortable. Updates to our rooms, and little personal touches. Notes to tell us we’re doing well, and treats even on fasting days. I really like her. It’s hard sometimes, though, watching her harp at Tru. He’s pretty resilient, which can be funny, but I can tell it hurts her feelings.

Sometimes she looks like she’s been crying. I’ve gotten pretty good at being able to see how people really feel. I get the feeling that she might have feelings for him, but I could be wrong. Most likely she just wants him to take some care. I mean, he doesn’t really ever appear to eat or drink, which is admittedly pretty normal for a Jhardeho. We’re built to need less. Maybe she just doesn’t know that about us, but it’s not my place to bring it up.

I guess it doesn’t matter how long you know him, he never gets easier to deal with.

Lapadine must have talked some sense into Tru. Today started with his version of an apology, and he didn’t put us in the sims. Instead, we set up a makeshift jhystema training area in an old part of the compound. He says that we’ll have it converted into a functioning gym, and that we get to lead the project. It’s ours, and I’m kind of at a loss for words. He says that we need a way to blow off steam, and discipline our bodies. That ritual is important.

Then he sat us down and we started practicing group meditation. Abruc and Nicola are really naturals at getting into a meditative state. I’m way too distracted. But Tru says that we need to get good at this, that exercising our minds is just as important as exercising our bodies. He also tells us that if we work hard enough we can learn to communicate with one another without using words. I don’t really want other people to know what’s going on inside my head, which is why I hadn’t meditated much before. But I guess I need to try.

I’m not sure how to process this shift in Tru, or if it will even –last. He blows so hot and cold, maybe this was just a good day for him. Or maybe he’s afraid of Lapadine. The Admiral is a good man with a really gentle temperament. He likes his wine and his music above all else, and it’s funny to imagine Tru of all people being scared of him. Maybe he actually respects him? That’s hard to imagine too.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything. I guess things have been busy.

Homena and I have gotten really close. We spend almost every night talking until really late now. I just don’t think she wants to be alone, and that’s fine with me. Neither do I. I wonder if that would change if I told her that I like her?

The ships are ready! I can’t believe it. They simply defy my expectations, I’ve never seen anything like them. They have a main kind of fuselage or body, but both of the engine and gun modules can rotate freely so they’re incredibly agile. The outsides are smooth–like, incredibly smooth. They look more like weird animals than ships. I still can’t believe they came out of his head.

The test flight was amazing. The sims gave us a good idea of what to expect, but it was thrilling to have everything we’ve worked towards put into action. Whatever the hardships were to get to this point, the ships were worth it. The neural bridge makes them feel like an extension of us. It took more getting used to than I thought it would, but now I’ve never felt closer to being able to do anything than I have with Niven.

A few quirks aside, everything worked as it should have. Of course Tru found reasons to be dissatisfied with the day. When we tried to interlink, there were some issues with the mechanisms and we couldn’t complete the formation for the combined cannon.

No sooner had we landed, Tru had the ships dissected and had a team re-engineering the control arm mechanisms on the fuselage modules. But he didn’t take it out on us at all, which helped to end the day on a good note. I think he was proud in his own way.

Tonight Tru asked me to be his protege. I went down to do what was becoming a regular nightly visit with him, and presented him with some ideas the others and I had come up with. We were messing around with the techs earlier in the day and had some thoughts for smaller projects–things that would help us. Things for our flight suits, stuff like that. The standard issue wearables Lapadine gave us are cool but way too bulky. We really need something more form-fitting and light weight so we’re unencumbered in the cockpit. AND comfortable.

Anyways, when he dropped the question, I just about hit the floor. I feel like compared to the others, I haven’t even remotely proven myself. Abruc and Nicola are so far ahead of me. I guess it’s because I show some interest in his work outside of The Nine? Who knows. Maybe it doesn’t really mean anything, or maybe he’ll forget. I kind of hope he does.

Well, we got our first taste of freedom since coming to Simitu. We weren’t technically supposed to, but we kept hearing the techs talk about a neighborhood called Backalley Market. It was known for having the best feasting day offerings, and someone even said it reminded them of Idrica. We really wanted to check it out, so we kind of snuck out. Not all of us did, just me and some of the guys. The girls and Famke knew better.

I knew about the purge, and about how the Jhardekai who live here do so under a watchful eye. A literal watchful eye. There are these mechanical things called watchmen, which look a bit like men in black cloaks, except for their faces are glowing red diamonds that peek out from under hoods. Some of them walk upright like people. Those are the enforcers. There’s another kind called sentinels, and they actually float. You don’t really want to get tangled with any of them, but if you do, you’d better hope it’s a sentinel. The enforcers become aggressive and if you don’t comply with them, you risk execution on the spot. Luckily though, they’re slow now and not that bright, so they’re easy to evade.

Apparently they are products of Kazalu, from back before they used humans to make their mercenaries. How they ended up in Simitu isn’t clear to me, but apparently they report to Maldoro. I asked a tech about this (the same one who lent me 200 pieces of Aro) about this because The Order is so anti-technology, and was basically told that the watchmen don’t actually contain any abominable tech, and that they are fairly simple machines despite appearances. To me it sounds like The Order is just justifying the watchmens’ murderous inclinations by their lack of sentience or any remote intelligence.

Anyways, Backalley was awesome! It wasn’t quite like idrica, but it scratched our itch for boiled boar skins, skewered scarab, and all the draft that the barkeep felt like slipping us before kicking us out. I can’t say we won’t go again, but we definitely can’t get caught doing it. I can only imagine how mad Tru would get.

We’ve taken the nine out a few times now, and each time around it just gets better and better. Our drills are really airtight now, and each time we break a new record. One unexpected joy has been working with Lapadine on solo and group attack patterns, and learning some of the armed forces’ battle strategies.

They launch bogeys for us that are able to transmit data for our accuracy. Last time we went out we had a 56% critical hit rate, with a 89% overall hit rate. I think we can do even better.

Of course the bogeys are no match for the azurea cannons, which kind of just vaporize everything, so there hasn’t really been a way to test them at full power. I think Tru plans on taking us a little farther out to test them on some larger targets. Lapadine has floated the idea of making debris fields as an added barrier against the Rau, so I guess that means we get to blow stuff up.

Maybe it sounds crazy, but it just feels like our numbers have doubled. Suddenly there are these things that are part of us. I’m pretty sure we all feel that way.

Even Tru seems excited, which is a first. Since we’re mostly down to practice now, it’s afforded him some time to work with us more on things like mental control exercises, and even some sparring. It’s been a good way to break the ice a little after he was so hard on us during the initial trials. And we get to knock him.

He’s not someone who knows how to express himself, you kind of have to just pay attention to detect how he’s feeling. I just know that this is a good time and I hope things don’t really change.

I haven’t been writing much lately. We’ve been spending a ton of time either in sims, making hypothetical attack patterns, or running drills. We’re spending a lot of time top-side nowadays and not really going down to the lab much, which is really peaceful, but that means we can’t sneak out to Backalley. But we got our chance when the ships had to go down because the interlinking mechanisms kept glitching out.

There’s a guy who works here named Loris, and he and Tru have really been under one another’s skin about it. Loris is a good engineer, but he keeps fighting Tru on things. Tru naturally wants to have everything made custom all the time, but this guy always insists on doing things oldschool. To Tru’s credit, most of their compromises end in disaster. The old tech hardware just comes apart whenever the azurea canons are involved. Lapadine told me Loris is very much in the war hawks pocket, and they profit off sales of stock parts, so Loris keeps trying to get Astreus to use some. That makes total sense when I think about it.

When we came back from Lapadine’s minefield exercise–which was crazy fun–a lot of the stock hardware was predictably broken, just from firing the cannons at a pretty low concentration of azurea. The minefield was our one chance to really try out the godsend canon, which is what we decided to call it when we all fire into one singular beam. It takes a lot of precision to pull off without the energy flow being interrupted, and we’ve never successfully had all nine of us doing it. We don’t actually know what would happen, or how powerful it would be. Well, Cobrin couldn’t interlink because the interlocking mechanism on his ship wouldn’t engage, so we couldn’t do it. We tried it with eight, but then one of Sunyata’s cannon modules malfunctioned and she lost her ability to aim.

When we got back, Tru was throwing stuff at Loris, who hasn’t returned to work since. It was kind of funny, and things have been running more smoothly since. Not all of Tru’s tantrums are unfounded, I kind of wanted to throw something at the guy too.

Oh! And we’re having flight suits made. That was another kind of funny Tru-ism. We interviewed probably a hundred designers before we found one he wanted to work with. Let me rephrase–he finally settled on someone. It could have gone on forever but Lapadine pushed him to decide based on the applicants we already had. Some guy named Trublo, who is apparently a pretty famous designer in Simitu and, according to Borsha, the most expensive. He specializes in synthetics, which is great because we need to find a way to get the azurium lunestra fibers they make here into the lab into the suit somehow. Since the fibers react to stimuli from our bodies, they stiffen when engaged and even mimic muscle fibers. It’s what we use in our suits and neural bridges already, It’s really freaky and kinda cool.

Anyways, the new suits will just enhance what we already can do. He seemed to have some really awesome ideas, and I’m excited to see what he does. But not as excited as I am to ditch these bulky suits.

I told Homena that she doesn’t have to go back to her own room anymore if she doesn’t want to. It’s been three nights now. She gets to sleep like a rock in my bunk but I’ve barely gotten a wink in, sleeping on the floor and getting too excited at the thought of curling up next to her. Tru noticed I was off today and yelled at me, but Borsha snuck me liquid stimulants when she noticed me nodding off.

I don’t know what’s worse, Homena—the fear of saying the wrong thing, or making an advance we might both regret. I’m doomed if I do, doomed if I don’t. Guess my time’s about up on this one.

They’re saying that the Rau are moving into our inner system, that Arcas needs to make a bold offensive stand to push them back. That if they get too close, a battle could break out too close to home for comfort.

After all these years, I guess the war has finally reached our doorstep. Lapadine seems worried that the Rau could actually gain the upper hand. Arcasian ships are the better fighters, but the Rau have been building. A lot. Their technology is archaic in comparison. They don’t seem to care if they lose a hundred interceptors in a confrontation–they compensate by having hundreds more. It’s such reckless determination, but in a weird way I think it’s admirable. They’re not afraid of taking risks and making bold decisions.

I’m not entirely sure of the situation this time around, but Lapadine is saying that the war council wants us to fight, that we’ve had enough time to perfect our weapons. There have been a lot of eyes on Astreus apparently, because of Tru and the support he gets from House Starbringer.

I can’t quite get a read on Lapadine on this one; on one hand it feels like he’s leaving it up to us to decide what to do, but on the other hand it feels like a command. Tru has been more heated than usual over it. I think even he’s feeling cornered by the whole situation, which is saying something. If he feels uncomfortable, so do I.

Tru locked himself in his room and hasn’t come out for two whole days now. Lapadine is furious because he’s got pressure coming from all sides. I’m afraid that if this continues, we won’t have a choice in the matter anymore. Not that we really do now, but at l—east we have some control over how things happen. If the royal armed forces take control over Astreus, who knows what could go wrong? Not that I think Lapadine would let that happen, but azurea is more than a weapon. It’s dangerous, and we have to be careful. We still don’t know the limits of its power or extent of its potential. If we make a mistake, a lot of people could get hurt.

I am only assuming Tru’s been meditating on it, running scenarios and all that. But it doesn’t make things any easier. I’ve been kind of working with the techs on things that I know it’s within my realm to have any input on, and our flight suits are ready.

We’re loading the ships up onto the elevator now, and are going to take the whole kit for a test drive. I tried mine on and it’s really comfortable. It’s a bit like wearing a glove, and they’re much more breathable. I just want Tru to see us. This should be a moment of pride, not whatever this is.

Today marks the turn of the year. The godsend cannon worked. Most of the issues with the interlinking mechanisms seem to be resolved, and the new flight suits make it easier for us to do the gestures to operate the control arms.

The attachment wasn’t perfect, but we made it work. After that, it took us a long time to properly time and focus the beam. No one had their heads on straight, and I could tell everyone was frustrated. It was dirty, but we finally managed to get it.

I don’t quite know what I was expecting. If I was writing this months ago, it would have been the best day of my life–all our work culminating into a big success. But just knowing that what we were doing was going to essentially erase a lot of lives made it really…..I don’t know. I’m not sure if I really have an emotion for it. There was a hollow, dead feeling in my stomach as it was going on. I think we all felt it. We weren’t even firing at half power, and it just felt like a drain on all of us. Like something about the whole situation had changed. And even worse, we just weren’t jiving. The stress of our task at hand was weighing on everyone in different ways.

The targets were ultimately destroyed too quickly to return any data whatsoever. One of the techs, jokingly or not, called the godsend a planet killer. If we were to turn our fire on Arcas, accidentally or otherwise, it’d be devastating.

Tru watched the drills remotely from the spaceport. When we docked, he didn’t say anything. He remained silent for the ride down the elevator, too. When we got to the bottom, he left us without a word and went back to his workstation. Ever since Lapadine’s order, he’s been like an empty husk. When I try to seek him out in the evenings, he just tells me to leave him be. He’s shut me out.

I tried to write this after we’d returned from the godsend cannon test, but couldn’t find the words. Now I think I know what it is I’m feeling. For the first time since arriving at Astreus, I’m homesick. I want to run and hide in the library. Or to go to Drema Academy and roll around in so much sweat and blood and dust that I’ll be snotting black for weeks. All that’s behind me and all that's in front of me is destruction.

I can hear Chartrulean’s voice, telling me what the whisper chamber had said to me that one night, which feels like a lifetime ago: “He who will become an instrument of chaos has come to pay penance.” Maybe we’d all be better off if I had let those mysterious forces from behind the partition kill me.

In just two weeks, we fight the Rau. It’ll take some time to reach them and we’ll be in stasis to keep stress levels down.

Lapadine says we’ll be accompanied by 5 battle cruisers, 10 frigates, and 5 haulers, each carrying 50 interceptors and some other stuff. We’ll be riding on the battle cruiser Hyccara (pronounced hi-cuh-ruh). There will be a defensive line set up further in that’s even bigger. I can’t believe the scale of this thing, and more so that it’s actually happening. What makes it even worse is that neither Lapadine or Tru are going to the front lines with us. Both are considered too important to risk losing in the line of duty, so they’ll be monitoring the battle from the defensive line. I’m really confused by that because if this battle is as big and important as everyone says it is, I feel like Lapadine at least would be out there with us. Wouldn’t he? It just feels off to me. I suddenly don’t feel like I’ve placed my trust very well.

We'll be at the mercy of the generals for the duration of the campaign. I haven’t met any of them yet and don’t know their names, but I do know that they don’t like people like us: Jhardekai. I’m reminded that we’re still technically fugitives, and none of this was an easy sell as a solution to end the war. To them, we’re just some wacky wildcard experiment, or some kind of gimmick. But Lapadine says we’re a big threat to the war hawks and the generals who line their pockets. To me, all the more reason to do our best and show them what we’re made of.

Anyways, I’m supposed to be the spokesman for the paladins, and Chartrulean. I hope I’m up for the task. They promoted me to Lieutenant, and gave us all official rankings. So it’s official: we’re Starbringer property.

It really is disheartening to see how much we’re just pawns in all this. I think Tru feels the same way, which is why he’s been avoiding the topic.

I finally told Homena how I feel. Maybe she really felt the same way, or maybe we were both afraid of what was about to happen to us. I’m not really sure. But finally being able to hold her all night was a welcome step forward either way.

We leave tomorrow.

We were set up. The ships weren’t ready. We weren’t ready.

Lapadine’s generals called us to battle, and they just left us there to fend for ourselves when the stakes got too high. They wanted to sit back and watch us fail. They weren’t expecting us to win the fight.

This didn’t have to happen.

What have we done?

Well….It’s done. I’m not exactly sure what was done, but the consensus seems to be a positive one. But I write this with some difficulty as I struggle to parse exactly what happened and my hand is….well…

Since the battle, we’ve been in the medical wing with staff coming in around the clock, trying to figure out what’s wrong with us. The mutation or whatever it was was pretty violent, the scars on our bodies make that obvious enough. Whatever caused it got farther in some of us than others. For most of us, it stayed near the surface, which is good.

Ditran and Homena are by far the worst off. Ditran has been coming around less and less, and Homena seems to be living out a perpetual nightmare. Her screams keep us up at night, but they’re keeping us all in isolation until we get home, so I can’t be with her. It kills me, and all I can do is lie here and suffer with her from a distance. They’ll be putting us in stasis soon. I hear that Tru is also experiencing some illness but I can’t imagine that it’s related.

It’s frustrating because we’re just not getting any news. Not one person in charge had visited us. Our ship rendez-vous with the others soon but we’ll be out by then.So no news for a while, I guess.

I hope Tru’s ok. I hope we’re all ok.

We’re finally home. They brought us out of stasis, but we went right back into isolation. They are calling the event “the calamity”. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. The rough estimate of the damage we did is…I don’t even want to say. It was a lot. They estimate it being hundreds of thousands of Rau lives lost, and it’s all our fault. The Rau have apparently agreed to a ceasefire, which is good news because we are most definitely out of commission.

Tru was already back on his feet when we arrived, but something about him is really different. He’s barely said a word to any of us, and seems far off. I’m still not entirely sure what happened to him while we were gone. The last words he said to me were over comms were “Sever the link.” But we’d all lost control of our ships. I don’t know exactly what stopped the godsend, or if he had anything to do with it. But I feel like there was just a glimmer of his presence for a split second. He somehow was in my head, telling me to hide…or, something that felt like “hide,” or “run”. I don’t know, maybe I’m going crazy.

And I’m not kidding when I say that. I see lights and shadows in the corners of my eyes, and have started to hear things. When these spells come about, all I can feel is rage. I keep telling myself that we’ll all snap out of it. And I know that this came from whatever happened with the ships.

I still don’t fully understand how the azurea went so out of control, and why it stopped. I doubt Tru will ever talk about it, knowing him. Yeah, I suspect he helped us. But that doesn’t really change the fact that he created this problem. The cannons weren’t fully tested. We didn’t know what they were capable of, and what could happen if the azurea mutated while we were using it.

Maybe it’s wrong to blame him. We all played our part. It’s just sometimes he plays the villain so well that it makes it easy to say it’s all his fault. I know he’s trying to do the right thing, and wants to do right by us. And that includes finding people who can actually help us, which is a big priority right now. As far as I can tell, no one wants to touch this…whatever it is. The others and I have been calling it the Berserker, because that’s what it feels like. Something that makes us crazy.

I really hope something can be done soon so I can see Homena. Not knowing how she’s doing is making me even crazier.

It’s been weeks now. Ditran no longer wakes up. Homena is still with us, but barely. She doesn’t respond to anything or anyone anymore. They figured out that we weren’t contagious, which was enough for them to release us from isolation.

The Berserker isn’t progressing as long as we don't use our abilities, which is going to be hard; we rely on them to do everything. So basically, getting into a ship might be a slow death sentence for us at this point.

The best guess anyone has for what happened is that the azurea mutated and turned into something…else. We don’t know what the energy threshold was, or what the “something else” is for that matter; the data from the calamity is obfuscated. In short, nothing makes sense. It’s not clear how we were able to generate so much energy. The azurea is assumed to have limitless potential. I guess it’s just not up to us to tell it what to do.

We’re still under observation, but the staff here has reached its limits for what they can learn without doing anything more invasive. Tru won’t let them turn us into lab rats, which I’m grateful for, but it does present a setback in being able to figure out what the Berserker is. In fact, he won’t let anyone get close to us at all anymore. He’s called in some help from the Seminary, but so far the only person to arrive is one of the Mystics: Shan. His old Matron, I guess. She’s nice, but we were hoping for someone a little more…capable? She’s gotta be almost two hundred years old.

Apparently the person he’s really been waiting for is the seminary doctor, Fillion, but he’s gone off on some expedition to the Zarastran borderlands and can’t be reached because of a storm. How and why Tru thinks there’s only one person out there in the world who can help us is beyond me. But I have to trust him on this. As hard as it is to admit, he’s almost always right.

I only hope that Tru comes back to his senses soon and we can get out of isolation and back to work. But Lapadine is also saying that we’re low on resources, and we have to put on a positive front. He tells me that as a Lieutenant, I have to lead the others by example. I’d rather just be their friend, because that’s what we all really need right now.

Being caught between these worlds is so frustrating. But I think the best way to help the others is to play along, and get as close to as much information as I can. I’ll do whatever it takes for Homena.

I’ve been having crazy dreams. If that’s even what you can call them. Each night there’s this moment where I’m lying there half awake, then I see this dark shape with red eyes standing in my room. I can’t move, or speak, only observe it. Sometimes it looks like a watchman. Sometimes it looks like a woman who I can only assume is supposed to be my mother. Sometimes it looks like Tru.

All I know is that when it appears, I am filled with the worst kinds of feelings. Most often I just feel this incredible anger. I can’t tell if it’s Niven reaching out to me, or if it’s something in between. A parasite in the neural bridge that connects us, or….something.

Sometimes it seems like it’s trying to talk to me, but I can’t hear anything it’s saying. Just this…..weird whisper. At least that’s the only way I can describe it. It’s not exactly something you hear. It’s just something that is.

Turns out playing along has paid off.

I just got to watch Lapadine fire every general who pulled away from the offense that day. It felt good, standing next to him, representing the Jhardekai and watching them all sweat.

It’s good to have someone like Lapadine on our side. I mean, if it weren’t for him, who knows where we’d all be right now. But he’s still one of “them”.

I hate these politics, and anyone who represents them. But now that the Starbringers are coming back to the capital, I’m sure there will be no escaping it. We’re involved now. Pawns in this sickening game of theirs. I came here to make the world a better place, and thought I was doing that. Now I see what’s really happening. And I hope Tru can too.

I’ve talked to the others and they all have had the same dream. Some of their shadow forms are a little more clear. The one who seems the least concerned is Nicola. She’s always been the most spirited of us, I’m confident she’ll be the first to figure out what exactly is going on.

We agreed not to tell Tru until we have a better idea of what this is. He seems overburdened as it is, and I don’t want to make it any worse unless I have to. I’ve taken up the responsibility to do this when the time feels right.